I'm STILL here...

I was ready to go that day, but again I didn't have it in me to do it. To go. To be lifted into the heaven.

That day, I took a different look at my life. Sometimes, I personally need to do that. People depend on me. My forever friend, friends, family and adults in general. I may feel behind at times, but there's time to catch up. Let the people who are doing big things do what they need to. If they are meant to be your friend, they'll be there no matter what. Support you through all your successors.

So much thought went through my mind looking out into the world and what it is. I don't remember most of it.

All I know, that if I decide to take my life again, I more than likely won't. There's too much to live for.

A close person to me once said, "You may not always understand why certain things play out how they do.. but just know that one day all will be clear, and you'll understand every last thing that help shape into who you are to this day." To this day, this same person is still around. I know I'm not a cool person, but for some unknown reason, the person still cares and I hope it stays that way for the rest of our lives.

ReAdY.

Thought about it again tonight.

What's it like to be up there? To be past the moon and the stars? To this place of serenity?

No judgement. No problems. Just happiness. I want it. I need it. I crave it.

Deep down inside, I'm ready to go. Say goodbye to no one. Just to let them know I cared for them, loved them, and to not give up like I did.

If only I could explain this side of myself. But, I know no one would understand...

Wonderment

As I sit on top of you to gather my thoughts, you say back to me the same thing that I'm thinking. "You'll never get your life together. Just forget and jump. Everything will end. You'll be missed, but not by many. You fell. Your done. Be gone. Go ahead. Just JUMP!" Everytime I leave you, you never understand. I don't understand.

My reasoning for all my pain... The question of the day.

Is it guilt I've built up for years? Is it because I feel stupid? Is it because there's so much I could say, but can't? Is it because of my unhappiness?

I'll never know, but as I hold on to this pain, this depression I can't let go of... I wonder...

Will I ever be FREE??

I Don't Even Know...

Hey world. Not as happy today... I've had so much going on, I don't even know what to think anymore. My tuition for school greater than 40,000$!!! That's a big what the heck moment. I just feel like it isn't worth it anymore and that I should just go back to Texas.

I also found out that I didn't get a cent in fin-aid! I was so mad in general, but mostly at myself. Now, I can't get over that hump to move on. I want to help my parents pay for my school. I don't want them to be in debt or taking out of their retirement just because of me. I'm only a person that they had to raise and take care of. I just feel that I need to do something, but it's hard. There's so much more to this story though.

I'm already preparing myself for what's in store. I started looking at Texas A&M. It's a great school. That's one thing and I can come home a lot more. My whole thought now is what I should do in this situation.

Making decisions is one of things that I truly can't get a full grip on. I hate making the wrong decisions and then I feel bad when everything goes wrong or someone isn't happy. I know that I have to choose what's right, but I do I really know right from wrong? Have I been making all the wrong decisions and this is the consequence I get? I feel guilty? I don't know...

I just don't know anymore...

Wow, I feel bad...

Well, hello there. I didn't know that you existed... LOL! Anyways, What is up my people of the internet and my one follower... I see ya girl!!! :) My main reason for not blogging... I've been on Facebook and Twitter too much. But, Imma come back :)

So basically, I haven't been up to much. Working out, reading, watching tv, eating, sleeping annnndddd... that's really it. I lost ten pounds already which is really good. I also found some really pretty places in my neighborhood. They're building up new homes so I went and checked them out and got some ideas for my own home. Which it may be twenty years before I actually decide to build. I may load up some of the good pictures I took... probably not tho. Leave a comment if you want to see them :D

I went to see some of my little cousins graduate from High School. It was good. I laugh now because they're old like me! HAHA!

My friend got me on this new diet to help me lose weight. One meal a day, drink lots of juice and stay hydrated. That's really all to it. It's been really hard because I have a really bad sweet tooth :/ It's been really hard to fight off the sweets. Imma fight tho.

Not much left to do... Uuu, shoutouts!! All my people in Indiana, Love yall! My second family right thurr! HAHA! To my all my people in Texas, yall are awesome too! Even you, Carrabbas Girl, even though you don't know about my blog. LOL! Sexy Cinco!!!! Yo te veo!!! :) It's going down as soon as I come back! #LEGGO!!!

That's all for today!
Don't forget to comment if you want to see the pictures of my adventures :)

Woah! Coffee!!!!

What up World!! I know, it's been a while since I have blogged, but it's that time again... FINALS!!! Studying is the beast that comes out durning this time and it's very stressful, but I have made it :) So far. I'm going to end strong. I'm staying positive.

Anyways, I'm writing this blog at this early of a time b/c I can't sleep... B/c I had coffee!!! Which is a no-no, but also very YUMMY!!! Right now, my body is awake, but my eyes are squinting at this screen... LOL!! Fun Fun!

In the end, I'm going to go dance and hope that I get tired enough to get some sleep. I can truly say, "The coffee kicked in and took over!" Even though it's a funny way to say it, it's the truth. So, as you all have probably been asleep for 30 minutes to 4 hours now, just know I'm awake jumping around hoping for sleep... HA!

Lastly... shoutouts!!! What's up to my click, Sexy Cinco! ROFL!!
Miss South Side, Miss PINK girl, Miss Study Buddy and Miss Converse!?! These girls have made my first year of college the best and I can't wait for the next 3 years and all that we will go through together. Ya'll da BOMB!! But, please don't explode on me... LOL! (Get it bomb? Explode? HAHA! Horrible early morning humor)

That's All... For Now...

Wiz Khalifa Represented!!

What Up World? I finished my math homework, so I thought I should treat myself. I went to the Wiz Khalifa concert. It was legit!! I had a lot of fun and relaxed. I left early b/c it was cold, but I enjoyed all the songs he performed. Which brings me to the lyrics of one of his songs... The Race.

"I'm in a race, and taking the winners place
No foot on the brakes
one the best, homie thats what they call me
It’s lonely at the top, got no company so
Now I just stunt on my own"

He said best... You can do anything, don't let people get in the way of what you want. You may be there by yourself, but you can do bad all by yourself.

Also, another good listen: Anything by Patti LaBelle. My mom sent me this one, so I send a shoutout to her :) :) She knows whats up.

In the end, I feel at times, I'm out here on a tightrope walking to my future with some help from others, but in the end, I only have help from people who truly love me... My family. I guess my mom was right... No one will love you like God and Family.

Keep that in mind folks. Night to all.

"2 out of 3 ain't bad..."

Hey World!

Today has been much better than yesterday. My advisor gave me the advice to do what I love, which didn't help at first, but after I talked to my mom tonight, it made more since. I'm going to stick with Computer Engineering. As someone once said, "You do what you want to do in life. It may take you a long time to get there, but as long as your happy, that's what matters."

I just wanted to give a quick update. Also, today's title comes from one of my favorite songs, I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You) by Fall Out Boy. :) They have a bunch of other hits too, so check them out.

Lastly, a shoutout to 'whose that peepin in my window? Nobody cuz I live in a penthouse!'. I see ya girl! Also, to Level one Harrison girl and the chicka whose never home :/ I hope to see you soon!

Goodnight and Goodluck

I've decided...

I'm at the end of the road, might as well stop while I'm at it... nothing matters anymore.

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Hey World, its me back and alive. Not feeling alive though. Just took my last math test of the semester... guessed on every question. Which sounds good in all retrospects, but I know it isn't. I can pray and hope that all will be good, but I know it won't. I can say I studied, I can say I was prepared, but in the end I know that I'm not truly prepared for anything in life. I've had this on my mind for months on end and I think it might be time for me to take action... time for me to drop out. Take a semester or year off. Then come back to school. Maybe I wasn't prepared for this thing called college. In all thoughts, I think my mom was right. She said that she doesn't think I was ready for college. Instead of being put on probation or anything, I should handle this like an adult and take time to think. What do I want for myself?? I can say Computer Engineer all I want, but is that God's plan for me? I hope tomorrows talk with the helpful and awesome diversity advisor will help me with my decision. She has helped me so far, so all I can do for now is prepare for tomorrows test and think about this situation another time.

"Do you wonder what it all really means? Do you wonder if you'll find your dreams?"- Kanye West

An Okay Tuesday...

My Tuesday for SB... Not the best day. The good part was I finished catching up on all my shows and finished my job applications, but I didn't get to do as much as I wanted. My mom got back and we planned to go to the mall, but we had a change of plans. We rode all the way to Catos with these ladies my mom met at her thing. Guess how far that was? Almost an hour away!! I took a nice nap on the way there. The few positives of the night? We found the mall and I got to eat Red Lobster! Yum!

As soon as we got back from our adventure, I regretted going with these people. I think my mom did too, but I can't say anything for her.

Also, I forgot to add, on Sunday, my mom and I hit up the nearest Publix. A good grocery store, but extra expensive. Anyways, I found my favorite cereal that I've been looking for since I've been at school... HONEY NUT CLUSTERS!!!!!

Again, delicious!!!

Hoping for wednesday to be so much better...

Spring Break: Sunday, Monday

What is up my people!?! It's finally here and it has come happily!! SPRING BREAK!!!! It feels good! Sleeping til noon, watching tv til my eyes burn, eating all the time, which I do all the time anyways, and relaxing.

I came to the lovely state of Florida with my momma, who invited my friends from school. Sadly, they couldn't come, but they know I wish they were here. I would have been awesome too. We would go to the beach, enjoy the sun, and do some light shopping... Maybe not as light as I think. HAHA!

So, here's a catch up of my past two days.

SUNDAY: I left the awesome state of Indiana, to come to Florida. Once I arrived, I enjoyed the warmness with my mother. Then, once we got to the city of our choice, we had a adventure. Trying to find restaurants, but none were found. But, for the better, I spent the rest of my night catching up on most of my tv shows I missed.

MONDAY: A sort of continuation of Sunday, I watched missed shows and relaxed all day. When my mom got back, we did some shopping, more adventuring and visited SR 520. Which had a little bit of shopping and awesome restaurants! Such as Carrabbas!!! :) Delicious! Hopefully today, we will get to go there and eat tonight. I'm sort of craving it.

Today, we'll see what happens...

I hope everyone's SB is going as good as mine is. Have an awesome day!

Just a Little Somethin' Somethin'...

My mom may be far from where I am, but she's always in my heart. Here's something that she sent to me today to help me get through all that I've been through...


"When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, when the road you’re trudging seems all up hill, when funds are low, but debts are high, and you want to smile but have to sigh, when care is pressing you down a bit, rest if you must, but don’t you quit!!"


This quote has truly made my day even more better :) 


Gotta love momma! More posts coming soon! Spring Break 2011!

Recognize I'm Back...

I can't believe it! It's been about a week since the last time I blogged. Yikes! I apologize to all my readers... my two readers I should say, Party Rock Anthem girl and girl whose getting better from being sick :) So, here is my last week day by day.

Thursday 2/10: Test today!! Economics... not ready :/ And I have chemistry due friday and math due tonight? Ugh, too long of a day... But, Party Rock Anthem girl did awesome on her speech! :)

Friday 2/11: I woke up late! Yikes! Skipped my first class which was a no-no. And Party Rock Anthem girl was very mad at me, but she got my back :) Also, girl whose getting better from being sick, started to get sick :/ Coughing up a lung. Not a good way to start a weekend, but Party Rock Anthem girl and I helped her out. We got her back :) We got honey and tea from Mr. Unrecognizable. Also, we had some more friends join us in Room 669!!!! OHHH YEAAA!!! We had Do What You Wanna Do girl and ECET party girl :) It was a good Friday in the end.

Saturday 2/12: The peaceful and resting day. A busy week of testing can really put a damper on your sleep and put you off :/ Slept until 11:30, got up and did some homework... NOT!! Got up at 7:00 to help with a thing called MathCOUNTS! It was fun checking in other volunteers, then we had too many :/ But afterwards, relaxed and had a help session with a Boot Camp teacher, until girl whose getting better from being sick woke up and we adventured to dinner. It was nice staying in on a saturday night, very relaxing. Also, Party Rock Anthem girl had family in town. I didn't get to meet them, but I hope I get to soon.

Sunday 2/13: Didn't stay the night in Party Rock Anthem girl and girl whose getting better from being sick room. I had things I needed to get done... they got done too! :) Also, I had work. "Catch me running to the... MONEY!" and I got payed!! I also made sure girl whose getting better from being sick didn't need anything while I was out and about. She didn't. So, all around, it was a good sunday.

Monday 2/14: VALENTINE'S DAY!!! Also known as Singles Awareness Day. A very warm and easy going day... SPRING is COMING!!! YEH HAW!!! I'm very excited! I love the cold, but seeing the sun is very nice too :) I got a lot stuff done, but still had a lot to do :/ But, things can always be pushed back to another day. I got a wonderful Starbucks gift card from my mommy, that I love very much. Love ya mom! :) Also used 5 swipes at On-the-Go! HAHA! I'm a fatty, I know. But now, no worries about food at least. Also, had a review session for the chemistry test on 2/15. BORING! But, later had a long conversation with the Boy I see a lot more of lately. It was fun. My night ended helping out girl whose getting better from being sick, but she was sleep. So, I enjoyed music and studying for chemistry and basically pulling an all nighter with Party Rock Anthem girl... "Ugh! Bernie'in in the mall!!!" HAHA!  

Today, 2/15: All this leads up to today... Tuesday! Tacos!!! I can't wait! :) Also, Chemistry Test... Not cool. But that the fact that my teacher said "15 until pizza and cold beer" made my day! I was ROFLing everywhere. Besides the test, nothing much to done today. But, I do need to send a shout out to Party Rock Anthem girl... Birthday Girl!! Which is tomorrow... I'm just early :)

So, my past week. There it is. Extra lengthy too. HAHA!

3 A.M?? Nope, 4 A.M

Well, it's official, I can't sleep. Also, I haven't blogged in two days!! NG! (Not Good) But, I think it's good I didn't. 


I had to prepare for a speech that I did horrible on. I know I did too. I can usually speak very well when I'm with a group of people, but when it's just me and the air around me and beady eyes looking at me saying, "Boo, your boring!!" and "Hurry up so we can leave!" I'm going to do better next time :) As a wise friend once said, "Read this Kim. 'Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.' I greatly appreciate this wise friend of mine! :)


I also have a friend who I spend all my days with. We somehow both have the same classes this semester and we have them together! :) She helps me understand the work we learned in class and also keeps me awake by shaking me and also saying things like, "Black Market. Why does it have to be black???" HAHA! Every time I think of the color black, those memories flow into my brain :) Also, the integrals!! ROFL!


The may have started out horrible, but it ended on a good note: Being with people that have my back and I have theirs.

A Superbowl Sunday of Fun and Walmart Adventures

"When it's the weekend, we move it like Bernie"...

After the 4am bedtime, most would think that I wouldn't be awake til the sun was setting. Not today I won't! I awoke at 11:30am to decide weather or not I should go donate my plasma before it closes. With no way of transportation, besides waiting for the bus, I chose to wait til another time. Since, I stayed in, I got ready to go do my hair. That was a long two hours of holding my arms in the air, 'and wave them like you just don't care!', and burning my thumb. OUCH! 

After the hair was done and curled in pretty spirals, I told the Victoria's Secret PINK lover that I wanted to join her on the Walmart run. She agreed and setup the time, which worked for me. Anyways, confusion got in the way and we ended up being outside in the snow and cold for 30 minutes. During that time, we listened to throwbacks, "NO MORRRREEEE, Baby I'ma do right", talked about how a black boy should give us a ride to Walmart, "Why does he have to be a black boy?" HAHA!!, and did the latest dance craze in the 'Dirty' South, The BERNIE!!!! (BTW: Watch out for a video coming soon!) 

Eventually, we made it to the warm and welcoming Wally-World. We got everything that was on our own separate lists and headed to checkout. We thought that we would make it in time to catch the bus back to campus... we were very wrong. I used to text bus info # to see when the next bus was gonna come. It wasn't going to be there until 7:30!!! It was only 6:15. As many people that I know would say, TRAGIC!!! With nothing else to do, we went into Subway, warmed up the cheese dip, opened the chips and started chowin' down. Luckily, I had bought caprisuns, so I didn't have to worry about burning our tongues on the medium salsa. 

While we got our chow on, my eyes turned to look out the doors. To see what you might ask? A BUS! Going on it's way to campus. It was only 6:30. Not legit :( But, it was fun. 

Me, always having the wandering eyes, saw somebody that was very very familiar to me. It was the tall man in the pea coat! I yelled his name awkwardly loud in subway and he saw Victoria's Secret PINK lover and I. He wasn't driving, but he kindly offered us a ride back to campus. 

The night ends with washing clothes that don't dry, the superbowl and an delightful halftime show, and saying "I'm not a BOY!!!" HAHA!

To end this post, I say what the Black Eyed Peas said in their first hit song: "Where is the Love?"

The Night into The Morning

"Dancin' to the rhythm in our heart and soul/On Saturday Night, Saturday Night" -Bay City Rollers (1976)

WOW! Saturday night with the awesome people I'm living next year, a man known as D and D's wonderful friend who walked with me to Qdoba. This adventure began with the thought of night sledding, that didn't end up happening, but the sledding might've actually ruined the night with me very cold and hungry. We all started at a wonderful place that gives you the calm, light feeling. HOOKAH!!! Probably not very healthy for me, but it's good to experience new things :) That was an adventure in itself. With two hookah bars in one area, you have the choice of the fancy one or the party bar. Which to choose? It's always fun to party, DANCE PARTY! but this was the night to be fancy. It took 1 hour, but we all got settled in one of the cool rooms with drapes. We partied while enjoying our hookah juice. The night finally came to end around 4am sadly. But, I hope to have more of this juice and adventures. 


I wanna send a shout out to 'Hit me with that chorus' : "Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard/When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard/Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6/Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6/Like a G6, Like a G6/Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6" (BURRRR)

Friendship...

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anais Nin

I awake each morning wondering, 'what will the day bring me?' Sadness? Happiness? Craziness? Most of the time, it's all of this and more. I'm blessed to have met so many people in my life that I truly call friends and not just random people on Facebook.

These awesome friends make my college experience better than I thought it would be. They tell me everything and make me a better person each day. Like finding out about Silence of the Lambs... HAHA! Yes, your in my post... what now? :) Anyways, these people don't just exist at college, but they're also people I've met in my past that are on their own college experience getting an education or working hard in the real world. As one mighty person once said, "I gotta do, what I gotta do." I hope to see these friends that are far soon.

So, as I learn more about myself, by having more friendships, a new part of me is found.

A beginning... 

Also, if your looking for friendship quotes? Here's a website that has some:

http://www.friendship.com.au/quotes/quofri.html

The Start

This is the beginning. The first post. "A Life Through My Eyes".