I'm STILL here...

I was ready to go that day, but again I didn't have it in me to do it. To go. To be lifted into the heaven.

That day, I took a different look at my life. Sometimes, I personally need to do that. People depend on me. My forever friend, friends, family and adults in general. I may feel behind at times, but there's time to catch up. Let the people who are doing big things do what they need to. If they are meant to be your friend, they'll be there no matter what. Support you through all your successors.

So much thought went through my mind looking out into the world and what it is. I don't remember most of it.

All I know, that if I decide to take my life again, I more than likely won't. There's too much to live for.

A close person to me once said, "You may not always understand why certain things play out how they do.. but just know that one day all will be clear, and you'll understand every last thing that help shape into who you are to this day." To this day, this same person is still around. I know I'm not a cool person, but for some unknown reason, the person still cares and I hope it stays that way for the rest of our lives.

ReAdY.

Thought about it again tonight.

What's it like to be up there? To be past the moon and the stars? To this place of serenity?

No judgement. No problems. Just happiness. I want it. I need it. I crave it.

Deep down inside, I'm ready to go. Say goodbye to no one. Just to let them know I cared for them, loved them, and to not give up like I did.

If only I could explain this side of myself. But, I know no one would understand...

Wonderment

As I sit on top of you to gather my thoughts, you say back to me the same thing that I'm thinking. "You'll never get your life together. Just forget and jump. Everything will end. You'll be missed, but not by many. You fell. Your done. Be gone. Go ahead. Just JUMP!" Everytime I leave you, you never understand. I don't understand.

My reasoning for all my pain... The question of the day.

Is it guilt I've built up for years? Is it because I feel stupid? Is it because there's so much I could say, but can't? Is it because of my unhappiness?

I'll never know, but as I hold on to this pain, this depression I can't let go of... I wonder...

Will I ever be FREE??

I Don't Even Know...

Hey world. Not as happy today... I've had so much going on, I don't even know what to think anymore. My tuition for school greater than 40,000$!!! That's a big what the heck moment. I just feel like it isn't worth it anymore and that I should just go back to Texas.

I also found out that I didn't get a cent in fin-aid! I was so mad in general, but mostly at myself. Now, I can't get over that hump to move on. I want to help my parents pay for my school. I don't want them to be in debt or taking out of their retirement just because of me. I'm only a person that they had to raise and take care of. I just feel that I need to do something, but it's hard. There's so much more to this story though.

I'm already preparing myself for what's in store. I started looking at Texas A&M. It's a great school. That's one thing and I can come home a lot more. My whole thought now is what I should do in this situation.

Making decisions is one of things that I truly can't get a full grip on. I hate making the wrong decisions and then I feel bad when everything goes wrong or someone isn't happy. I know that I have to choose what's right, but I do I really know right from wrong? Have I been making all the wrong decisions and this is the consequence I get? I feel guilty? I don't know...

I just don't know anymore...

Wow, I feel bad...

Well, hello there. I didn't know that you existed... LOL! Anyways, What is up my people of the internet and my one follower... I see ya girl!!! :) My main reason for not blogging... I've been on Facebook and Twitter too much. But, Imma come back :)

So basically, I haven't been up to much. Working out, reading, watching tv, eating, sleeping annnndddd... that's really it. I lost ten pounds already which is really good. I also found some really pretty places in my neighborhood. They're building up new homes so I went and checked them out and got some ideas for my own home. Which it may be twenty years before I actually decide to build. I may load up some of the good pictures I took... probably not tho. Leave a comment if you want to see them :D

I went to see some of my little cousins graduate from High School. It was good. I laugh now because they're old like me! HAHA!

My friend got me on this new diet to help me lose weight. One meal a day, drink lots of juice and stay hydrated. That's really all to it. It's been really hard because I have a really bad sweet tooth :/ It's been really hard to fight off the sweets. Imma fight tho.

Not much left to do... Uuu, shoutouts!! All my people in Indiana, Love yall! My second family right thurr! HAHA! To my all my people in Texas, yall are awesome too! Even you, Carrabbas Girl, even though you don't know about my blog. LOL! Sexy Cinco!!!! Yo te veo!!! :) It's going down as soon as I come back! #LEGGO!!!

That's all for today!
Don't forget to comment if you want to see the pictures of my adventures :)

Woah! Coffee!!!!

What up World!! I know, it's been a while since I have blogged, but it's that time again... FINALS!!! Studying is the beast that comes out durning this time and it's very stressful, but I have made it :) So far. I'm going to end strong. I'm staying positive.

Anyways, I'm writing this blog at this early of a time b/c I can't sleep... B/c I had coffee!!! Which is a no-no, but also very YUMMY!!! Right now, my body is awake, but my eyes are squinting at this screen... LOL!! Fun Fun!

In the end, I'm going to go dance and hope that I get tired enough to get some sleep. I can truly say, "The coffee kicked in and took over!" Even though it's a funny way to say it, it's the truth. So, as you all have probably been asleep for 30 minutes to 4 hours now, just know I'm awake jumping around hoping for sleep... HA!

Lastly... shoutouts!!! What's up to my click, Sexy Cinco! ROFL!!
Miss South Side, Miss PINK girl, Miss Study Buddy and Miss Converse!?! These girls have made my first year of college the best and I can't wait for the next 3 years and all that we will go through together. Ya'll da BOMB!! But, please don't explode on me... LOL! (Get it bomb? Explode? HAHA! Horrible early morning humor)

That's All... For Now...

Wiz Khalifa Represented!!

What Up World? I finished my math homework, so I thought I should treat myself. I went to the Wiz Khalifa concert. It was legit!! I had a lot of fun and relaxed. I left early b/c it was cold, but I enjoyed all the songs he performed. Which brings me to the lyrics of one of his songs... The Race.

"I'm in a race, and taking the winners place
No foot on the brakes
one the best, homie thats what they call me
It’s lonely at the top, got no company so
Now I just stunt on my own"

He said best... You can do anything, don't let people get in the way of what you want. You may be there by yourself, but you can do bad all by yourself.

Also, another good listen: Anything by Patti LaBelle. My mom sent me this one, so I send a shoutout to her :) :) She knows whats up.

In the end, I feel at times, I'm out here on a tightrope walking to my future with some help from others, but in the end, I only have help from people who truly love me... My family. I guess my mom was right... No one will love you like God and Family.

Keep that in mind folks. Night to all.